I get the cravings for food at the oddest times. If someone else is going, I’ll eat at Log Cabin at 3AM. If I’m sitting here hungry, I will eat something, no matter what time of night it is. Well, abour 12:30, the hunger monster reared it ugly head. Hard. I hadn’t had a “meal” since 1:30, and I had a snack of a little cereal, and a couple of mini muffins about 6., so it was time to eat a little something. I resolved to walk to Krystal and purchase a few burgers and have another nice snack before I headed to bed. Me, being the non-motorized college kid I am, put on my shoes, and trotted up the street to the shining beacon of cheap food, that is open 24 hours a day. I arrive, the lights are on, someone is home, but they are not at the window to get my order. I tap on the glass, hoping to bring them out of the slumberous state in the back, with no avail. I walk around the restaurant, hoping to attract the attention of anyone inside, but alas, still no procurement of food took place. I walked away, disgusted with the whole idea that a place can be open 24 hours, but not have someone waiting to take those orders for all 24 hours. I slump back to my dorm, up the elevator to my floor, and down the hall, arriving back in this seat. The hunger sets in even more now, because my stomach was let down my the mention of recieving food. I sit down, start talking to Laura again, and then realize that I do have food here in the room. I reach for a bag of chips and a poptart that are on my now sparsely populated food shelf and begin to consume. We say our goodnights, and then I realize as I am reaching for a can of Dr. Pepper, that I have other food, there should be some sort of frozen delicacy in the freezer. Opening it up, lo and behold, there enlies a burrito, not just any burrito, but a chicken and rice burrito. I hastily threw it in the microwave, cooked it to perfection, and now have just settled down to eat my hidden treat, and finish my bag of chips. (The poptart was returned to the stash, since it went unopened) And here ends my little tale of trying to find something to quell my hunger at 12:30 AM.
Update: This burrito was delicious. Thank God and Jose Olé for making this for me.
P.S. Yes, I know, 2 entries in under 4 hours. Shocking.

I leave Murray in a week. All this will be packed up and heading back to Gravel Switch, KY, where I will habitate for 3 months before packing all back up again and moving myself back down here to Murray. This is gonna be some of the hardest leaving I have ever had to do. It’s not like when I came in the fall, leaving people I had known forever for this great unknown which is called college, but I am leaving lots of people that I am just getting to know, and want to know better. I am gonna miss everything I have with these people because IM conversations just don’t work the same as being out somewhere, interacting with them. I won’t be hanging any posters for a while, I can’t go on walks around the big block with anyone, there won’t be any “Let’s call everyone we can and get them to show up at Nick’s/Applebee’s/Los” type events. It’s gonna be lonely, and for that reason I don’t want to go. I am gonna miss each and every one of you, because in some little way, you each have impacted my life for the better, and I love you all for that. I want each and every one of you to know that some little piece of me will be with you, wherever you go, because I will carry an identical little piece of you. Thank you for all that you have done for me, it really means alot. This is not my signoff for the summer, but it’s just my little preparation to go.
Thanks to all of you for being so great.
And for the person who just got a A on her test, read on.

Continue reading →

Saw this movie tonight with Laura. It was awesome. I’d have to say that aside from both volumes of Kill Bill, which were as equally awesome in their own right, this is the best movie I have seen in a year, and that is saying alot because I have turned into a cinemaphile. And don’t just think because it stars Jennifer Garner, looks all girly, and is fairy-tale-like in its delivery of a main part of the story, that it is a chick flick. This movie will be enjoyed by guys, at least guys like myself that can stand a little romance and the always-associated drama, and there is loads of comedy involved which any person or animal can enjoy. Lest I screw the movie up, the IMDB Movie Guide will point you in the right direction.
Rating: 4 of 5 stars.

I used to rip all my music in 128Kbps, sometimes for the space it saved, sometimes because that was all I could do it because the software restricted it. There was one song that changed it all for me. OutKast’s Ms. Jackson was the first thing I ever heard in 192Kb, and once I heard that, I cracked Winamp just so I could re-rip all of my albums, and then I turned to mIRC and Ares to help me get the things that I had downloaded once before. It was a different musical experience. I heard notes that never were there before, there were little oddities that got cleared up because of the nice clean rip. I caught things that even my boombox neglected, and that was saying alot. Pink Floyd’s The Wall and Dark Side of the Moon albums transformed from music that said something into music that did something. It’s one of those changes that I will never revert from, because it just changed so many things I listen to for the better.
An homage to bit rates, definitely inspired.

This entry was supposed to have happened long ago. It was supposed to be stuck back in the archives long before now. That’s why it is named what it is named, so that it tells where it is supposed to be. I hate this procrastination, this urge to not do something because it is so arduous. This is the story of how it all got here, how every bit of this website blinked into existence a couple months back, how it all started way back before anyone who reads this was ever informed of my existence, and what it all means to me. That, and I get to tell you where I came from. I guess I’ll start there; it’s the best place to start. The idea for Deezil came into being the start of my junior year, it was mainly just a joke between me and another friend, because Deezil sounded cool, and if you slurred it enough, it sounded like Daniel, my real name. I liked is so much that I adopted it, unlike lots of my old nicknames, and I took it on as my gaming name. Deezil was tossed around forever, it was all about my computer / online persona, and then it took on a new meaning. When Brandi dumped me (yes, we went out multiple times), I took on Deezil as a project. Deezil was who I wanted to become, what I had to strive for, the mold I made for myself to fit in. It was what I wanted to become. It was my real “me”. I am a goal-oriented man, so I had my goal, and I started working for it. And working on it I did. I got myself on plans, wrote out goals for myself and others around me, and started working through to what I thought would be this personal nirvana. I have a whole blog dedicated to what I did with Deezil, and to the man I was becoming. I worked forever on Deezil, changing him to be what I wanted to become, and then working on myself to become what Deezil was. I was doing amazing things in my life; I was changing, mostly for the better, I was actually taking more from life than I was putting into it. When I got back with Brandi, I did my best to hide Deezil from her, to change back into the man she had fell in love with the first time, to deny myself of all that work that I had put in. It just got to a point of Deezil wasn’t going to stay back inside me for any longer, and when I started showing it to her, she distanced her self, and I felt lots better. If she couldn’t deal with who I was, then she didn’t need to be with me, and I didn’t want to cheat her out of thinking I was someone who I really wasn’t. So now, Deezil is being revamped again, worked on more continuously, fine tuned, and tweaked all the time.

No, that is not a picture of a track mark I left on myself. Once I saw Requiem for a Dream, I knew I was never going to do any of that stuff. That’s the mark left from giving blood yesterday. You want to do something noble? Give blood. Every time that you can give blood, GIVE. You have to wait 8 weeks between times, and I gave blood for the first time 8 weeks ago. Went again yesterday and gave another pint. The tiredness you feel for the rest of the day and the day after is well worth knowing you could save a friends life or your own someday. I have a friend that is alive due to blood donors. Once I heard her story, I immediately decided to give blood as soon as I could. And I will do it as often as I can, just because I know that someone else out there could be suffering the same fate.
Moral of the story: Give blood.

I wouldn’t be here, that’s for sure. One of my best friends turned 33 today. She was pretty much the whole writing and living inspiration I have had to date. She was the first blog that I ever read, and she introduced me to the whole idea. I owe this lady so much, and I don’t even know where and how to begin. Queenie: to you, I leave my fondest birthday wishes, no matter what may come on your special day.
Edited: To fix a stupidity, I need to look at calendars more. 1 time total. Don’t hate me for editing my words, nor yours !

My family sent me an easter care package, since they wouldn’t be able to make it down here to see me for Easter. My family has an infatuation with Microsoft Publisher, and makes all their cards in it. Every card, every occasion, except death and weddings in the family are marked by a folded piece of paper card. I opened the box, and on top was that little piece of paper, folded into a square, one-quarter of the size of a piece of paper. It felt like I was at home bounding down the steps to see my easter basket. I pick up the paper, and read the front, “A hat is a bonnet, a rabbit’s a bunny.”, open it up and see “An egg is a candy, now isn’t that funny? HAPPY EASTER.” It’s the usual fare of a premade line by Publisher. I look on the opposite page, and I see this line “Happy Easter Mother Ducker”, and think one thing, Dad got to make this card. If I ever were to hear Mom elude to the word fuck, I would die, and if my parents ever heard my sister say it, they would die, so I know only one person got into Publisher to do this one. I turn to the back of the card, and Mom confirmed my thoughts. Written in her block print handwriting was “P.S. Your father made this card!”, and I just laughed for about 5 minutes. How some things never change.
Happy Easter to all you out there in Internet land.

It’s taken me 24 hours of thinking about what happened, piecing the snippets of things I remember between my drunken states, just trying to grasp at all that heppened to really figure it out. I swear right now, I might actually still feel like some of the alcohol is in my system. I know I have been groggy all day, that things haven’t felt just right in my tummy, especially after that Buffalo Chicken Pizza (bofe, never order that for us if I have been drinking, Coursey made it sound so damn good). I know things haven’t felt any better in my mind either. I’ve got alot on it, and this is going to try to ghet it all off of there. If I can stay awake and at my desk instead of visiting the porcelain God. I was a drunken bastard last night from about 2-2:30 PM and I maintained a great buzz/ stumbling drunkenness until about midnight. I started sobering up then I think, but I doubt I will ever be sobered up totally from that party. But I have been sobered emotionally by certain parts of the night. I guess the day all started when Jeff got to Regents, already drunk, and raring to go at 1:30 PM. We got out to the AGR’s by 2, and I started the drinking then. Miller High Life, and Bud Light sat on the bottom of my stomach, the first two casualties of the night, with many more of the respected names to fall into my stomach later on. I found my pint of Maker’s Mark then, and started nursing it really hard, until I couldn’t walk for a few minutes. Before 3, I had already swore off drinking till 5, just so I could sober up. Didn’t happen, drank even more, and got stupid, sat there listening to Lee Coursey dole out the best advice of anyone in my life. It was good times, Lee. Thanks. Then more drinking, I put down my complementary AmberBock and my shot of Yaeger, and went back to my whiskey, taking down a shot a drink. That put me back on my pedastal, ready to go again, trying to play football that I couldn’t throw, stumbling between one side of the front yard and the other, between Jacob, Jenny, Allison, Lee, Jeff, and hosts of other people Jeff had shown me to earlier, me already forgetting their names, because of the haze I had put myself in. I sat in the back of Jeff’s truck, watching it turn from light to dark as he ran back to place he was crashing at, I think I fell asleep at some point, because the change just happened too quickly, and I was already pretty wasted. I headed over to the Sigma Pi house, where then we thought we had a cop raid hitting the place, turns out they were just looking around. I was still a freaked out, 18 year old, drunk kid. Cops in my life at that point in my night would have just shit on everything. Then after the threat had passed, and a couple of slices of pizza later, I headed back out to the truck, to maybe find Drunk Nerd Brigade, Member #2. Found him, and then we got hammered off my bottle of Absolut and the Hawaiian Punch we had bought earlier in the day. Then things started happening, I was in control, but then, it was just the liquor talking for part of it too. I told the truth with everything I said, and I trusted that you did too, no matter that we were drunk and what happened happened. It hurt to hear the message, and then at the same time recieve a different one. I guess I wanted the non-spoken message over the spoken one, so I blocked out your voice. It was just there, and right, and yeah. Listen, I’m going to publicly apologize for my stupid actions. Right here, right now. I’m sorry. It has and will make things weird. There’s nothing we can do about it now. Again, sorry, I’ll care more next time, but you won’t have to be the victim of me doing stupid stuff again if you don’t want to. I’m so fucking lame. If you want to never speak to me again, just do it, tell me first out of common courtesy. I’ll respect that wish. If you wanna talk about it, I’m here, if not, that works too. I can’t forget that it happened, not as much as you may want me to, or how much sometimes I might want to. I ruined everything.
I’m so fucking sorry.
Edited: Minor Grammatical Corrections, 1 time in total

God, I am drunk right now. Really effing drunk. So drunk I probably won’t wake up until Saturday. Evening. I did alot of stuff today. Had some awesome times. Almost got busted up by police when I was over at the Sigma Pi house, and thank’s to Jacob’s quick wits, I saved my ass. Cause I was drunk. And I still am. I need to go wash this strange mixture of smoke and liquor off of myself before it becomes any more engrained into my skin.
/me dies.

My sister turns 14 today. She’ll never see this. She will never know this website exists. But I still want to wish her a happy birthday anyway, only because I couldn’t get a hold of her in person yet, and I wanted to do more than a crappy little eCard and a crappier rendition of “Happy Birthday” on the answering machine.
I’ll always remember your birthday, now for a second reason.

This morning, at 7:50 CST, I cut myself free. Free of the bonds of another holding me back, dictating my moves, scorning my actions. It was amicable, we both decided that it would be best to part ways and be done with it like that, no big crying goodbye, no angry mailing of each other’s stuff back. Right now I am sad, but happy as well. I know that I won’t hurt her anymore like I have done, and that she won’t hurt me either. I have learned that trust and communication are keys to a healthy relationship, and that it has to be genuine, not something false and flimsy. Distance can be crucial too, not too far, but far enough that you can have seperate time and together time as often as you need it. I feel that I have grown through this relationship. I know what I need to do better next time, and what things that I need to cut back before I try a relationship again.
Yeah, I’m single again.

Yep, the second geeky thing I am going to do today: wish my blog a happy birthday. I’m glad I thought about it a month ago and decided that this is what I needed, a place for me to come and be me. Hey, I’m me again. I haven’t written this much since the old days. And I’m feeling nostalgic, so I might get into those old days sometime soon. And even though the blog here hasn’t felt them, I sure have, and it should start preparing for the wrath. Well folks, I see sheep jumping over fences, and I’m not drunk, and I’m not in a field, so I guess that means it’s bedtime.
Happy Birthday blog!

Yeah, it’s that time of year. I personally stay up to lose my hour so that I can say that I have been working on something for an hour, when really I only worked on it for one minute. Yeah, that’s why this goes in the geek category: It is a geeky thing to do this. Now I just have to see how this Movable Type system, along with Charon, the name of the beloved server, will handle all this hour losing goodness.
Am I really this much of a geek?
Yes

I just realized I had left Winamp running for the past 3 days, not listening to a song, on pause in the middle of one. I just turned it off. I just left it, thinking that after I got done talking, finished my walk, or needed to relax, I would come back, pick up the song where I left off, and continue about my playlist, gallavanting from one genre to the next. I do that with lots of things in life, and there are more still that I want to be able to do that to. Just hit that pause button, walk away from it, promising to get back to it later. Some days I just want to get back to it all later. Some days, the songs sounds so repetitive that I think I just need to throw the playlist out the window, get on mIRC, and start finding new music to listen to, new genres to explore, artists other than my mainstays. Other days, I want to sit in bed and listen to the music in my headphones, barely loudd enough to where I can here it, and see where it all takes me. That’s all I’m doing right now, thinking about things and seeing where my fingers lead the words that I feel so desperate to say. Desperation breeds hope, and hope is what I’m always on the lookout for. That and vanilla chocolate swirl pudding snacks. I went to Wal-Mart last night with Amber, and there were no swirly pudding snacks. I was sad, but I picked up some chocolate ones, and left, came back to my room, had a slice of pizza from a friend in the lobby, came back to the room, and devoured a pudding snack in about a minute. I brushed the teeth, sat down at the computer to see about MSUR one last time, and hit the bed. Hardcore. Leaving it all to where I would get back to it in the morning.