I talked with God last night. A really good talk. God is a really cool guy, once you sit down and talk with him about things. We talked about everything, nothing was taboo, because, hell, he IS God.
[11:01 PM] Deezil: I love it when “god” curses
[11:01 PM] God: i do too
[11:01 PM] God: because really
[11:01 PM] God: everybody should talk to god that way
[11:01 PM] God: like your best friend
[11:01 PM] God: your homie of homies
[11:02 PM] Deezil: really he should, but god is always on this pedastal in society, we can’t touch him
[11:02 PM] God: yesterday’s god
[11:02 PM] God: yes
[11:02 PM] God: i will fix that
[11:02 PM] God: one person at a time
[11:03 PM] God: haha
[11:03 PM] Deezil: well, I am no longer under yesterdays god now
[11:03 PM] Deezil: I now follow todays
[11:03 PM] God: i plan to do this the rest of my living life
[11:03 PM] God: which is at least a good 60-70 years
[11:03 PM] God: hahaha
[11:03 PM] Deezil: yeah
[11:03 PM] Deezil: I will read as long as I can, and that will be my walk with god
[11:04 PM] God: thats very eloquent
[11:04 PM] God: <3
[11:05 PM] Deezil: much love to you as well, like said in Dogma “Thank you for … everything”
[11:28 PM] Deezil: now that I have talked to god, talking with most others will just pale in comparison
[11:28 PM] God: wonderful
[11:28 PM] God: if i can touch just one person’s heart
[11:28 PM] God: it makes it all worthwhile
[11:29 PM] Deezil: well you have definitely done it today. Now, if only I could talk to her a little easier, lol
[11:30 PM] God: be yourself and just sliiiiiiide up to her
[11:31 PM] Deezil: working on that. I’ve never really been smooth with the ladies so it’s hard, and I’ve had my heart ripped out twice in the last year so I am a little apprehensive
[11:31 PM] God: understandable
[11:32 PM] God: it takes time to heal that kinda stuff
[11:32 PM] Deezil: yeah it does, especially since I was engaged to one
[11:33 PM] God: woof
[11:33 PM] God: thats ruff
[11:33 PM] Deezil: no kidding, she cheated on me, so yeah, that killed me
[11:34 PM] God: gosh i’m sorry to hear that
[11:35 PM] Deezil: yeah. it hurt, I got really drunk, and it got a little better
[11:35 PM] God: thats cool
[11:35 PM] God: putting the past behind you is what T is G is all about
[11:35 PM] Deezil: yeah it is
[11:36 PM] God: i don’t think i quite intended it initially
[11:36 PM] God: but many people live the idea
[11:36 PM] God: and it gives them peace
[11:36 PM] God: because alot of human suffereing
[11:36 PM] God: comes from either
[11:36 PM] God: dwelling over the past
[11:37 PM] God: or worrying about the future
[11:37 PM] God: but if we’re focused on the present moment
[11:37 PM] God: today , if you will
[11:37 PM] God: we can let those two monster thoughts go
[11:37 PM] God: and be happy in the here and now
[11:38 PM] Deezil: great philosophy
God is now a priority in my life, even though it’s not the God everyone thinks of, it is Today’s God. This has truly inspired me to rethink religion in my life because truly, I was ready to abandon it. Now, not so much, all because of a guy who decided to be Today’s God, and show us what Jesus would be like now.
Thanks God.

Mary-K,
Mirroring what Chris said.
Much love from me to you about that.
Hope it all gets better soon.
Daniel

****EDIT: I lost the right pointer in the other mag machine, bastard END EDIT ****
I just sat down and realized today that I have injured 5 of my 10 fingers (yes, thumbs are fingers). It’s not too bad considering what type of work I do and how much you use your hands in dangerous situations. Going through them, right to left: burnt my left middle finger in the forge press; caught my left pointer in the magnetic charging machine; mashed my right thumb between two 50-lb. cylinder barrels; cut my right middle finger on a sharp piece of metal that cut through my glove and my skin; and last but not least, pinched my right ring finger between one of those cylinder barrels, and the hopper they were dumped into. All that said, don’t work in a factory if you have a low tolerance for pain, or are worried about the physical appearance of your hands. That being said also, don’t look at my hands much when I come down there, they look a sight right now. I would post a picture, but it would scare you.
I expect to lose another finger in the next few days, hopefully it will be one I have already injured.

Thanks for last night. Much more to come later, I’m sure. Had a great time talking to you. We must do it again, soon.
Many hugs.

Got my stuff back from her today. Came to me in a pink trash can and a brown cardboard box. There were lots of things in there that were never mine, just bits and pieces from what she had left when she moved from her old house. Lots of things that weren’t in there that were supposed to be filling my box. Hope she opened her box, took one look in it and threw it all out. I put every card, every everyting ever given to me in there, sealed it shut and handed it over to her, not waiting to see her open it, and find all the things that were not supposed to be in there. Now it’s all gone, she’s all out of everything, and no longer will hold me back from moving on. And move on I shall. Well, night folks. Twill be a long day tomorrow.
“The Deezil sleeps alone tonight…” wishing he wasn’t, and hopes for the day that he won’t have to.

It may just be a byproduct of being so busy during the summer that people don’t think about it, but I have noticed alot of death in my general blogosphere. Now some have killed their site for good, while still others have forgotten to renew their domains and pay for their hosting. Many more others are just updating sporadically and it throws me off, because I was used to their old schedules of every day or three. Now, some of my main stays are updating on their regular schedules and that makes things good for me, because the boredom goes away when I read their stuff, even their old stuff.
Also, lots of people who run their own blogs are giving away their GMail invites. Now come a few of mine. First 5 to email me at deezil@gmail.com will get my first batch. Offers will also be accepted for the next batch.

Here are pictures for your viewing pleasure (all linked for those on dial-up):
Happy Father’s Day Dad!
More happiness
The card I sent dad
What I look like when I come in
More nastiness
My hosts on the trip to AZ
Desktop picture
Another desktop picture
That’s all for tonight.

Sorry these titles are sucking as of late. Last couple of days at work have been extremely hot. When I say hot, I mean above 100 degrees from about 10 AM on. I speak of being able to wring sweat out of my shirt at 3PM when it is time to come home. And that, ladies and gents, is hot. And work is also dirty, dirty enough that I have to shower as soon as I walk in the door. My face is usually some shade of gray, and I look a sight. It takes me about 30 minutes to wash all of the black off of me. And then, it is never all gone. It lives under my fingernails. In my elbow-pits. Everywhere. In other news, I asked off for the 9th at work and it was approved, so I will be coming on the whirlwind tour from July 9th, until the 11th. Looking for a room in Murray / Paducah on the 10th, so anyone that would lend me a patch of floor, please leave a note. I also will sleep in my truck in the driveway of your dwelling if no patch of floor is available. What else… Oh yeah, thanks to you, you know who you are, you, the person who sent me a rocking card and now 3 total rocking CD’s. Made my day. To any and all out there, much love to you, everyone of you deserve it.
Night folks, time to mosey on down the road.

Figured it might be time for an update. Eh. Smashed two fingers today at work, both by parts either falling on my hand or moving and catching my fingers between them. I am probably going to make the trip on the 9th-11th of July. O-bo and Kuttawa on the 9th, Paducah and Murray on the 10th, and then make the haul back home, on my way stopping at L-ville, on the 11th. Either that, or move L-ville to the 9th, and make Paducah and Murray a 2 day event. Don’t know yet, I just want to see lots of people. I also am gonna need numbers so I can contact you people and make sure I am travelling in the right direction. E-mail em to me, everyone either knows an e-mail address, or can steal one from MSUR or the link on the right. er…left…fucking directions, why can’t it all be as simple as “over there” or “right in front of you” or something as descriptive as that. [/digression] I have a new blog theme that I am going to be working on soon, hopefully it won’t suck as bad as this one. It will definitely be more colorful, it will actually have a theme *gasp*, and I think people will like it. Too bad I don’t know how to code it right now, or it would be done. It shall be great, I promise. And bofe, I might need your help with some of it, seeing that you are uber-programming-god, and I am a schmuck. Well folks, that’s about it for the night, so I will leave you to it. Have a good one, as I wish to do, and go listen to a song that you never have before, it might change things for you.
Confused? I hope not.

This is mostly a catch from MSUR, but post here when you will be free so when I stop by the most people will be there. The stops: L-ville, O-bo, Paducah, MurrVegas, and Princeton/Kuttawa. Any other stop will be considered if enough interest is there. Any stop can be cut if no one will be there. Discuss, use that comments thingy, and please, leave a name I will know there.

…can you listen to “Burn” by Usher before you go crazy? One less than the number of times I heard it today, both on the radio and inside my head when it got stuck there. I know I heard the full song at least 30 times today, along with many snippets between whirs of the grinder. I hate the grinder. By the end of my day, my hand grips around it even when I remove it, it is a phantom to me, like an appendage that now lays motionless and silent on the table. Factory time can be very much alone time. I think alot. About things I shouldn’t. About things that I shouldn’t let bother me. Things I shouldn’t worry about. Things that will inevitably be my demise. I need to not think about these things. But I can’t help it. When I run out of things that are good to think about, I have nowhere else to go. I think it has been the reason that I have been down lately. I need interaction. I long for it. Now. But alas, I think it will not happen, and then the hole gets deeper and blacker, and the outside edge that much farther out of my reach.
It’s time for something to change, drastically.

Today was a good day. Went to work, worked hard, left fulfilled with the job I had done. Came home, called Allison, found out that classy lady #1 is coming to see me Saturday. Allison and Maria as well as Nichole are coming to see me Saturday. Good times, kids, good times indeed. That made my day. I definitely needed to see some of these people. It makes me happy that they are coming down to see me. Other than that, nothing really going on other than I am dog tired. Much love to you all, especially to you three.
Night.

For validity’s sake, read the entry below first.
Today was alot more of the useless that I am accustomed to having. Got up at the same usual time, helped mom set up for the yard sale. BTW there is a highway 68 yard sale gearing up like the nationally known 127 yard sale. Ran to town this morning to get feed for grandpa’s cattle, and got to talk to one of my best friends, because she happens to work at the local Southern States. Mallie and I sat there and talked about everything for about 45 minutes, reliving our year past year, and discussing life. It was a much needed breath of fresh air. Not what I fully needed though. I got back in the car, went back and unloaded the feed, sat at the yard sale more, and then had to help my grandfather out in the field, fixing something he broke by turning a corner too sharp. In doing so, I started getting discouraged with things, cause I hate field work. So I start hitting the depression again. Then I look at my watch and see that I have to be somewhere soon, and that time is getting critical, another notch down the ladder. Then I notice that I am no longer clean, meaning I have to come home and take a shower and put another item into my already cramped schedule. At this point I just jumped off the ladder, and found that there really wasn’t that much far from bottom from where I was, but now that I had hit, there was no where to go. As I was getting undressed, I looked down at my fat slovenly body, and just started crying. Not cause I am fat, not cause I am depressed about not being able to stick to my diet / excercise routine, I just was looking down at whatever was below my eyes, it just happened to be my body and not the floor, and I started crying. I cried for about 5 minutes, overwhelmed and consumed with everything going on. I sat my fat ass on the floor in the bathroom and cried my eyes out. Realizing that it wasn’t getting me anywhere anyway, I picked myself up, dried my eyes, and showered. Then I had about 10 things that had to be done in a row in the course of an hour, and in that hour, I did find the time to call Aaron and shoot the shit with him for a few minutes, and to call teh Allison and leave a message there (charge the phone Allison!). Went to work, and “mailed in” my five hours there. Came home and showered again so I wouldn’t smell like fried food, and moped around until Internet time. I’m still not right, I don’t know what the fix is going to be. Didn’t find it today, but it started to feel like the right track for some of it. Maybe. I don’t know right now. I need a drink and a friend and a shoulder to start to work it all out of my system. Shame everyone here in Gravel Switch is shoulderless. Need more calls, more friends, less things going on. Less things going on. Heh. That’s funny. Again, much love to anyone, I am going to try to come get some love from my people soon, but I don’t know if I will be able to get off work / acquire a vehicle / pay for it all. I am definitely hitting up Louisville. And Allison, yuo bettar come down here and eat with me at the best Mexican meal ever at Los Mariachi’s. Get Nichole down here with you while at it. I’ll show her my home town, some of your old stomping ground. We’ll get drunk on Makers almost straight from the source. I will introduce my old friends to my new, and show them why Murray is such a kickass school because I met two hot classy ladies there, and they aren’t bringing home chicks for the weekend, they are still being tagged around by the girlfriends that they have had since junior high. I’m gonna show you off cause I can. Both of you. Then I’m gonna make it to Murray, and hang out with all of you again.
Only I wish.
I wish.

I feel like tonight all I need to do is writeÂ…well, type. IÂ’ve been feeling very erratic lately and it just wonÂ’t leave me. Maybe this will help me finally work it out of my system. I guess the first thing that I want to fix is my relationship with women. There are certain women that I want to be with, others that I just want them either in or out of my life, their choice, just as long as they inform me, yet others that I want to get into contact with and get to know them, and still more that I need to just drop it all and forget them. The thing is the categories that they fit into change almost daily, almost as erratic as my moods. There are some that are stay the same, like Lisa and Maria in the category of people I want to get to know. Bofe, that thing I wanted, any way to contact Lisa from the office, Allison, you still havenÂ’t given me the Maria update. Well, thatÂ’s part of it all taken care of. ThatÂ’s a good start. I finally found some place to start. Wow. ThereÂ’s just so much left that I have to tackle. I want to have the things that I want. I donÂ’t want to disappoint myself any more by not getting what I want. I know that is being totally self-centered and greedy, but damnit, this life is about me, no one else has a bigger part in it than Deezil himself. I want someone. I want many someones, but one will suffice for me for now. I want her to be sweet, caring, and loving. This someone doesnÂ’t have to be perfect nor permanent, but I do wish this person to be there for me when I need her, and I want to be there for her when she needs me. I am a caring person, and when I havenÂ’t cared about or for someone for a while, I start getting weird. Could be another reason I am in such a funk recently. I want to go to bed at night and have a warm body to snuggle up to. ItÂ’s just so close, so intimate, so fun. I miss that. ItÂ’s something I only experienced for less than 10 nights in my life so far, but those nights felt so good, I have longed for it since the last time.
That was written at 2 AM last night, right after I got off the internet and went to bed. Maybe now on to today?

[12:19 AM] Daniel: can’t bring myself to do it
[12:19 AM] Daniel: gah, why am I such a fucking wimp ass loser
[12:19 AM] Daniel: I am a horrible person
[12:29 AM] Daniel: yeah, im just emotionally tore up right now
[12:29 AM] Daniel: don’t know what to think, how to think,
[12:29 AM] Daniel: needing an escape and a warm body to curl up to
[12:30 AM] Daniel: wanting to forget it all in a heartbeat and just start anew with everyone
That was to someone, just a few scattered moments of desperation. It’s out of an IM chat log. I’m not strong any more. I am very weak. I want so much and am getting so little. It’s throwing me into a depression. What I want isn’t too much to ask for, but I guess maybe it is, because I am asking for it and it isn’t coming to me. I think I should just give up on hoping and waiting and trying for those things that I want, and just sit here on my ass eating swiss cake rolls, gaining back the thirty pounds I have lost, and then some. let’s aim for 300 instead of 200. Just fuck it. I’m tired of it all, tired of going to my cold bed alone every night. Tired of getting up at asscrack-of-dawn o’clock and working forever. Tired of not feeling the love I want and the care I want and the compassion I want. Tired of being here when I want to be there. Tired of loving people and caring about people that will never love and care back. Tired of having to deny my feelings cause I’m a chicken shit who will never fess up to the truth. I’m sorry if it makes no sense to you, it makes perfect sense to me.
Someone save me.