To tell you the truth I donÂ’t know what I am anymore. I know the fact that I am a guy and a person will be hard coded facts for all of my life, but everything else has just seemingly tossed itself up in the air. Feelings arenÂ’t a problem. I feel many things daily, and right now the leader of all those is anxiety. I am anxious to get back down to Murray, and start the rest of my life. One away from my parents for the most part. I donÂ’t want to be here any more. ItÂ’s ruining my life to have to live by the constraints of the people in this house. I grow weary of their ever-constant lingering in back of me, and I grow depressed that they are going to attack me the next time I round a corner. So I must go, I must get out of here. I also know that I am lonely. The lack of relationships can become depressing at times, but even right now, itÂ’s not a girlfriend that I want (even though that would be nice), itÂ’s just a warm body to snuggle up with at the end of the night, to hold me and let me know I am safe, to just be with me, not caring about anything else. There are a few now, ones that would fill this position nicely, with or without being my girlfriend, but yet, I feel that I may be heading for loss. Again. ItÂ’s the story of my life. I wish I could figure out what I do wrong that turns them away from me so much. And if itÂ’s their problem, and not mine, I wish I could know that for the truth, rather than having so much self-doubt in my mind. I am having problems with my image, both physical and mental. I wish I could just take my body and mind, put them back into the Play-Doh tub, buy a new tub, and remold this putty into something better. Lately, I have felt the best about my body, not because something has changed in my mind, but itÂ’s by what others are saying to me, but for some reason, still, I canÂ’t grasp that I should be comfortable with myself. I am fat, I am ugly, I am wondering why these people donÂ’t see that, I am glad they look past it. I am satisfied with most of what I have in life, but in the same breath, I also wish I had things entirely different. I wish my story from the beginning wasnÂ’t one of some PWB growing up in the middle of nowhere, leading a sheltered life, until one day, he gets lucky, finds his niche in life early, and makes something of himself. This same boy got lucky again, got all his schooling paid for, and is living his dream, most of the dream long after he should have started. And now he wants to complete his dream. I tried doing that last year, around this time (see below entry), and that didnÂ’t work out at all. I keep grasping for what feels right, and it seems that failed attempts are all I can come up with. Maybe the next attempt will be fruitful. I hope. I know itÂ’s the same bullshit that you are used to hearing from this mouth, but itÂ’s still the truth, and I preach my gospel from my soapbox whenever I decide.