If you go to google, and search for “deezil”, my site now comes up at the top of the list.
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This is a proud day.

I paid society back for being almost married for 7 and a half months. In the days following April 5, 2004, I have went on a tear of dating / hooking up / fawning after women that I wanted. And that is exactly what I did. We all know the names, they are immortalized in the pages that preceeded this one in this blog. For some of those, they are still my friend, but for most, what was was, what came has went, and there is nothing more that will be between us.

…to take back the one and only oath I made when I started this site. That oath was to never take down an entry. Once it was up, it was up. Now, now that I have women that I mention reading it, now that I have backtracked and crossed over my own words so many times, now that I am so tired of explaining it all, I just want to find all the entries, set them back to “Draft” status, and forget about them. But, I can’t. Deezil.us was made as a learning experience, both for you, the reader, and me, the person going through the school of hard knocks and getting straight A’s. So I guess they stay up. But that doesn’t stop me from still writing about the women, and posting it here. So, on to the next entry. I think “Aftermath” may come to a fruition.

I’m out for the weekend, no phone, no internet, no nothing. If needed call the phone or IM me with the message. I’ll get it all Sunday whence I return.

I still don’t see how you get so much energy in the mornings, but it’s wonderful. Hope to share another wake up call like that with you soon, Susan. Yeah, you made the blog again, and it’s not bad.
Aftermath just got it’s new ending note.
Aftermath is a new entry I’m working on.

For the longest time, I have had several pieces of paper sitting in the back of my binder, all headed with a capital “P” on the top right corner. This was my signal back when everything still was neatly stacked inside it’s three rings that this piece of paper was marked “Personal”. Those either were small epiphanies that occured to me in the middle of class, or longer ramblings that deserved their own entries, once properly nurtured, or at least typed in. Well, I am tired of seeing those pieces of paper back there, and am wanting to retire them to the trash, the place where all but the best of the best hand written entried end their lives. So tonight, I bring to you these entries, in the hopes that someone may find some little nugget of wisdom in them and carry it throughout their days. Either that, or I just wanted to blow smoke up my own ass. Take care in reading everything dated today, for they may be some of the best yet. For those of you reading this before midnight, please, check back under this entry for more of the things that I have to say. I have forced this entry to the top of the heap, as a preface to the madness.

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Preface: That’s the title of the entry, it won’t have a message after it like most times I use it.
I feel the need to write right now. Just to pick up my old friends, and visit with them, the pen and the page. Lots have been going on here lately, and I feel the need to let alot of it out. First, women. I feel horrible for lying to Jane like I did. I told her that women were out of my life for right now. Anbd as soon as I said that, I knew shit was gonna be fucked up. I started at FOC, with Kelly coming up to me and kissing me. That rocked my world, hardcore. Something I had wanted for over two years had finally come true. But the fairy tale soon faded, after a night of hanging out with her, we have barely spoken, and it sucks. Then Amanda flared up again. After seeing Kelly and I am FOC, she now wanted to date me, and could now place the blame on me for not being able to reciprocate rather than her inability to commit. I was drunk, she was pissy, so I called her a bitch, and then it was over. It exploded all over the boards, and now it’s all over. And Amanda, Justin/whoflungpoo locked the thread. RTFT. “All because I wouldn’t go on a date with him”, those words you spoke to Ryan Provost. Bullshit. You will learn that Ryan and I are friends, and that we share everything. So, please, don’t lie to my friends. Josh, if you are reading this, die in a fire (editors note: This still holds true. Quit trying to be buddy buddy). I don’t give a shit what you think. You are misinformed, and delusional, so guess what, you have to respect in my eyes, at least until you opens yours and see the truth. Back to the story. Well, after the night with Kelly and the subsequent blow off, I went searching for someone to share those moments with. In Courtney, I found it. She was warm, inviting, soft, cuddly, and fun. I like her. She is a good person. Her hand in mine. My head on her shoulder. We fit. Better than what I found in anyone else lately. She even feels genuine. And that makes me smile. Hopefully, soon, I will get to be with her more. And share more moments with my friend. —*sigh*— In other news, I dislike Shannon and Laura (not you, my corporate whore, the other one that reads this), because, once again, they used their power of deception to strike me from the assassins game. To those two: eff ewe. To all the folks at MBS, thanks for reading, to All-en, thanks for linking, and to the rest of the readers looking at this, I love you, I miss you, I can’t wait to see you again.
“Happy Trails to you, until we meet again…”

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If you are reading this, it’s a fair chance (based on the referral counter on the bottom of my site) that you came from a forum that I am a member on. More often than not, that forum is going to be the one that is my favorite, as well as the one where I am most (in)famous, MSURacers.com It’s a great place for us students and former students to hang out, discuss things, and build a sense of community. I happen to enjoy my spot on there, even though it’s usually the whipping boy. This however, is not the only forum I participate in. My most powerful position is on the PCGurus team forum. There, I am listed as an admin, but have barely even used my powers, because there just isn’t much to do. The full flex of my power so far has been to make a sticky, create a hidden forum for just the team members (which turned out to be a little more daunting of a task than I thought it would be), and to edit a post. Based on what I’ve seen other mods and admins do, this was nothing, so I give my own efforts a half-hearted “woo hoo”. Between these forums, alot of my time is used, both posting and making sure things are running correctly, but even with that, I still can’t get enough of the forum style atmosphere. So, I have also signed up for two more, ones where I am just a speck of dust in the passing winds of the internet. One, OffTopic Forums is probably the biggest forum on the internet. When I went to sign on, I was just one of over 1300 that were online at the given moment. That’s alot of people. The other, Mindless Bullshit is a conglomeration of forums between some of the biggest bloggers in the US….. or at least this group of friends who blog that decided to team together, pool their resources, and create a community. All these forums are different, from the small to big, the limited audiences to the wide ocean of the whole internet, and they have their own little quirks that make them unique, and that is why I enjoy each one of them.

Computer Science. It’s a field that is farly new in the realm of all other things I could be doing. It’s the most advanced technologically (authors addendum: “duh”), and considered to be the pinnacle of learning to some. Why then, do we find teaching practices of days long past still in full effect inside these class rooms? In such a modern field as computer science, why do I not have modern teachers, or at least modern style teachers gracing the fronts of my classrooms. I also happen to work in the department that houses my major, and I am up there alot. When I look around in the offices up there, I can find no one who is under the age of 40. That upsets me, for the reason that it shows that the field for teaching technology (as well as many other things, after doing more looking) has no new life, no energy, and no one to spearhead that next group of professors that will lead the next generation of college students into a higher learning that they can actually use. With these older teachers, come these older teaching ideas, ideas about how class is to be conducted, ideas about how things are supposed to go. The worst part about it all, and it is doubly bad because of the field I am in, is that they can’t use their technology correctly, they rely on their voice and the lectern to provide what I need to learn, rather than what I will be using out there in the real world when I need to do my job that they are training me for.

New links up in the side bar. The first is a triumphant return to the (always) number 1 classy lady, Allison. The second, a newcomer, Courtney, a friend of mine. But in the face of life, we must also have death. Teh Refuge has been killed by bofe and assembled company, so it sinks to the bottom to join with the others. Also, Maddox Mania has been revamped, and I particularly don’t care for it any more, so I removed it as well. Speaking of new, Susan, (yes, another ADPi), and I hung out last night. And it was good. And hopefully there will be more better times to come.

Okay, the placeholder once was here, now no longer. I guess I’ll start from the beginning of the story, since that is the usual place to start. This week has been hell. Pure and utter hell. It all started from last Sunday, how I supposedly stood Kelly up on Saturday night, and the hell fury I caught from her and one of the brothers the day after. I also talked to a brother of mine about a possible problem another was having, which I felt was well within my right. Well, Monday started without a hitch, things going well with both girls. Didn’t do much else. Tuesday brought more general blah than anything, got my midterm test back in history and didn’t fare so well, hoping to do much better on the next one. Then, Tuesday night came, we had our fundraiser for the fraternity, and after that, the brother whom I had concerns about came up to me and called me out on it. He kept saying that I should have come to him instead of talking to anyone else. Truth be told, I didn’t want to talk to him because I knew he would be pulling this kind of bullshit. But I did, showed my concern for his situation, and went on with it. Also had our new member meeting that night, and it ran long and hard. Wednesday was the worst day ever. Started off with bad classes, I ended up walking out of one of them because the professor pissed me off, and ended with me doing what I always do, work. Thursday brought the end to my week, as I got to go home and chill for the weekend. Or so I thought. Friday I voted (for Kerry, of course) along with a host of other local elections. Also prepped my sister for her state marching band semi-finals the next day. Andon Saturday, we spent the whole day doing band, from sunup till 2 am when I picked her up. Got up this morning, came back to Murray, and had my fraternity meeting for the week. Got finished with that, and then I started finding out the truth on Kelly. How it’s all an act. How I am just being a pawn in her quest to aim for the king. How I’m supposed to play along so she can get what she wants. Not. So. Much. So, I am doing what I think is right, in leaving Kelly behind, and moving my support to either Susan or Courtney, that battle to be decided later.
Just wanted you to find out about my week.

Life recently has been just that, life. I have been going through the motions, trying to live it day to day, working through it all. Things haven’t always been clear cut. EDIT: There was once a huge paragraph here on females in my life. It was removed and placed in the extended entry, just because some of the things are no longer true. Like any of it. Carry on. DOUBLE EDIT: It’s been moved again. No more seeing our little friend the extended entry. END EDITS. Now, onto other business. Pledging is fun. I expected grueling nights of not getting in till 4 in the morning, days that I couldn’t talk at all, and being exhausted 24/7. So far, and I don’t think this will change, I have not experienced it yet. And that is a good thing. With classes, meh, I have been doing as good as I possibly can, I think I will make it out of this semester with a B+ average (this means above a 3.0, but nowhere near a 4.0). I just have to keep my scholarships up and going. That way I won’t ever have to worry about paying for any of this. And that, my friends, is a good thing. To finish this entry, a special shout out to those who come from Mindless Bullshit Forums. Ryan, if you happen to read this, please, change the timeout on sessions in phpBB to something other than 1 minute. I can’t see any new posts since last visit if you don’t change that so it is much longer. My suggestion: 15 minutes. It’s done in the Admin Panel, General Admin group, Configuration subgroup, Cookie Settings heading, under Session Length. 15 minutes would be 9000 seconds. Thanks . Anywho, all you people out there in intarweb land have a good day, and I will definitely talk to you later.

There has been lots to write about as of late. The thing is, I haven’t had that much time to do so, or when I do, the energy is also lacking. Shit, there are things I never typed out to you all when I was going through the big mess with her. And believe me, there were some monster entries to be had. I guess right now, the key words of my life are “peaceful chaos”. Everything around me seems to be swirling about my head so fast I don’t know what to do sometimes, but then again, it’s still what I am used to, still what I expect out of life, so the peace derives itself from there.

Well, I got part of the picture up here already, and there is more to come with it once I get to borrow someone’s digital camera and take a picture of what I still need. That, along with moving the side bar stuff around are the only things left to do. I like the new layout, and thanks to everyone for their comments on it. That’s all for now.