Deezil.us

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As slashdot reports, Firefox 1.5 is available. This makes me a happy Deezil.

So, I’m sitting…

… in THAT class (if you really have to ask, you don’t read this blog enough), and this semester, we’ve got a whole new cast of characters. We’ve got FeedWithASpoon, who has to raise her hand to question everything that is going on. It’s so bad that I refuse to help her, because I no longer have the patience. Then, we’ve got her cousin SweatsTheLittleStuff, who gets the big ideas, but has to ask about the small things that are ultimately inconsquential. We’ve got the TokenLatecomer, the person who strolls in 20 minutes late, and then asks to be helped to catch up for the rest of class. My maing beef with him is that when everyone is free to go or stay, he usually goes rather quickly. Then, we have my favorites. The Deuces. Or, as I lovingly call them, the Toolboxes. These two guys are a pair. Where one goes, the other does too. Never do anything nice for them, because they’ll follow you around. Never live in the same dorm as them, because they’ll get the front desk to stalk you for them. Just to do something else for them. They bicker and argue like an old married couple.
***BREAKING NEWS***
I just got to initiate the ownage of one of my most loathed enemies. Chris Vance, eat mine.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Back to the toolboxii. One of them has the man-beast beard, just an unkempt tangle of hair that covers 300% of his face. The other, has that kinda-beard. The one that covers the undercarraige of neck and chin, but stops right at his jaw line, not because he shaves it like that, but because his balls haven’t dropped low enough to get the hair to grow everywhere else yet. The Worst Part: They’re into computers. And they talk about them. Incessantly. They’re like TSM MAJORS. You know those TSM majors. The ones that talk alot of jargon, but never really know what they are talking about. Yeah, these guys are the pinnacle of them. And *guess what*, they really are TSM majors. It’s almost too perfect. They are going to own themselevs here in about 4 more years, when they become nothing more than cable monkeys at the local Charter office. Good job guys.
Okay, I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m getting weary, adn there are hands in the air. I love you all.

C$ = see dollars go away.

Just a friendly neighborhood reminder that leaving the C$ shares open on your windows 2000 or higher computers may cost you many dollars worth of data loss. It may be easier to leave them open, but do realize how valuable data security is versus having things easy to use.

The haul.

There really wasn’t much to be had for the birthday, but what I did get I really needed. At the risk of sounding braggart, I’ll just list what I got and from whom.
1.) 256MB SD Card – Parents
2.) Carrying case for digital camera – Sister
3.) Cash and JCPenny gift card – Grandparents
4.) Applebee’s Gift Card – Aunt and Uncle
5.) Cash – Grandma
6.) Cash – The other Aunt and Uncle
In all, not a bad birthday by any means. My mom and I (and maybe my sister, but I sure hope not) are going shopping in about 4 hours. This will be fun.

Well, maybe not all of it

I don’t know if it was just because I was being so emo in the previous post, but today has really been one of the truly great days in my life. Many people have called, e-mailed, and written on my facebook wall to wish me a happy birthday. It’s been quite nice.
Here’s to hoping your turkey is good tonight.
Love,
Deezil

It’s all relative

It’s my birthday on the 24th.
I’m not looking forward to it.
It’s not because I’m turning that bastard age of 20, where 21 is just taunting me from not-so-far-away. It’s not because I won’t have some loving significant other to share some intimate kiss with to seal the day. It’s not because I won’t be in Murray.
It’s all because I have to spend it with 100 of my [not-so] close family members.
You see, the 24th is also Thursday. Thanksgiving. Turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, gravy and hot rolls. It’s a great birthday supper to have. But to have to spend it away from that significant other, or even just my immediate family, just ruins it for me.
I love my family. All of them. They can just be very…….yeah. They’re from Kentucky. They live simple lives. It’s hard for some of them to grasp everything the world throws at me. And it makes for awkward conversations because I don’t live in their world, and they don’t live in mine.
Whatever.
They are my family, and I love them.
I’m looking forward to spending time with Emily, my favorite cousin. We really never spoke much until this last few months. We’ve realized that we have lots in common, and have come to know each other a little better.
And I just found out she’s not going to be able to come.
Fuck.
If I have to get another present like I did last year (granted, it was for Christmas, but it’s the same group of family), I’ll shoot myself. Well, after I shoot the offender.
Anyway.
Tonight, beer and Garth Brooks are making loads of sense. So I’m working with each, hand in hand, and really just loving it.
Another beef I’ve been having is being teased. Teasing is not always sexual, but that seems to be what I’ve been receiving lots of. A certain ex of mine has gotten into a new relationship. She talks with me about it, knowing full well that I still kinda want her back, if for nothing but the physical aspect. Well, her new beau’s old girlfriend won’t leave them alone. And guess who gets to hear the drama.
Yeah.
So basically, from here on out, I’m probably just going to be what every girl wants. Someone emotionally unavailable that they can fix, someone that isn’t always there.
And when they realize what a good guy they could have had by having the real me, I hope they ask to get him the next time instead.

repetition

I just raked leaves for 8 hours. My body is in a state of shock from the abuse I have given it. I hope to wake tomorrow morning. It hurts so bad I almost don’t want to.

Greek Week No-Show Fiasco

Well, this was a killer idea.
I’m sorry, that pun was way out of line.
For those of you not in the know about Murray State University, we’ve had quite a scandal as of late. Seems as a person in another fraternity on campus decided to drive while under the influence of intoxication on Friday night. In doing so, he killed the mother of a person who was a friend with lots of my friends. It’s rocked the fiber of our being down here at Murray. Just shook everything up.
http://www.wpsdtv.com/articles/stories/public/200511/13/0cc8_local_news.html
That sums it all up, pretty succintly.
http://www.thenews.org/media/paper651/news/2005/11/11/News/Breaking.News.Murray.Police.Investigate.Students.Death-1055217.shtml
A little more detail.
Well, this year was supposed to be a time of renewal in the Greek Community here at Murray State. Since the beginning of this year, more greek organizations have gotten into trouble than years past. The local chapter of Sigma Sigma Sigma has been suspended due to hazing allegations. Events that have been planned have been busted. It’s just been a real mess. This entire week was supposed to be about the uplifting of the entire system. From racernet:
GREEK WEEK 2005!!!
GREEK WEEK 2005 kicks off Saturday, November 12th at Stewart Stadium. Greeks will be recognized at halftime. Please participate in the SGA Chili Cook-off! Monday, November 14th, Transparent will be live in concert at Lovett 7:00; there will be a raffle during intermissions. Tuesday and Friday are designated Greek Letter Shirt Days. Wednesday there will be the Greek Banner Competition. Thursday is the All Greek Thanksgiving Dinner in the Small Ballroom, Curris Center 5:30. Greek Penny Wars will take place Monday thru Thursday, 2nd floor of the Curris Center. All proceeds benefit the Nathan Ray Surgery Fund. Greek Week Champions will be announced at the dinner on Thursday, November 17th.
See? Lots to do. And because of the incident outlined in the links above, that is no more. All Greek activity has been suspended, and the campus couldn’t be in a more saddened mood.
Okay, class, have to go now, more later.

Pulsing and Coursing.

There’s so much, so so much.
I don’t know if I’m going to wake up in the morning. God doesn’t tell me that far in advance. If he chooses for me to open my eyes, I will open them, and set out upon my day. I’ll live this day like I do any other. I’ll go into it unknowing, gain some experience, and end it. Some of these experiences will be good. Some, bad. Some, they just will be. There’s no point in trying to plan out what you can’t see from beyond the horizon. It’s not there yet, and there’s no reason for it to be. We must just pick ourselves up by our bootstraps tomorrow and go about the day. The horizons between days are getting farther apart in one eye, and in the other eye, they come quicker and closer. I guess it’s what I get for having two eyes that each have a different prescription. I get two outlooks on everything. One that can focus on things that little farther out, and one that still sees those things as extrememly blurry. I can deal with the blurry, not bec ause the other eye can’t compensate, but because I’ve become used to it. I can make out the basic forms and take a guess. The letters may not be very sharp, but I can still see globs where those letters will soon sit. Letters. My letters. Other’s letters. How quickly stupid mistakes can tarnish a set of letters. How quickly it can all fade away because someone decided that to put their own life in danger, and the lives of countless others. And when it finally takes one life in the physical sense, guaranteed that the same number or more casualties will be had in the spiritual realm. The spirit, the mind, the soul. I’ve wondered lately if I even had a soul. I remember the episode of The Simpsons where Bart sold his soul to Milhouse. The other episode where Homer sold his soul to the Devil for a donut. How worthless are our souls to us. Do we even have them anymore. If they are there, do we even care. It’s all rhetorical, I know. There’s just so much. My voice is hoarse. It’s from all the yelling I did to win the competition at the Rock-a-thon. We took our trophy away, and were victorious. I guess we just didn’t let it sink in yet of all the events whereas everyone else had. I just really went through the motions of today until the last three hours of my life passed. I sat and watched the Green Mile. It’s not the first time it’s been viewed in its entirety by me. I guess with all the death, all the senseless death that has shaken my little city in the past 24 hours, the sensless death on the TV has rocked the pain loose in my brain. It’s horrid, the things I have thought about. Absolutely horrid. But why do they have to crop up at 1:45 in the morning. Why now. Why.
I need someone to hold me. This is not my usual cry for female companionship. I need someone, anyone to come to me, put an arm around my shoulder and just listen. Lay down, hold me close, and listen. Just listen. Listen to me repeat this entry. Listen. I can’t do it through here. I can’t do it on the phone. Someone has to be here. With me. Listening. It’s just too much for one brain to be hearing.
I’m usually mister upbeat, mister nothing’s wrong, mister can’t knock me down. I guess I’m just realizing my own fallacy. My own open wounds. My own everything. I’m just not that guy anymore. It’s not that I don’t want to be, but I can’t make myself play that part anymore. It’s not the role that I was destined to play. I’ve always thought it was, but I guess I was just fooling myself. Fooling myself. Heh. I’ve done plenty of that in my life as well. It’s been the easy way out for me. Just pull the wool over my own eyes, and the problem takes care of itself. Even if it doesn’t, it does. I don’t have to deal with it. Someone else has to look.
I don’t really know where I’m going with all this. It’s all just kinda flowing from the mind to the fingers to this page. I’ll soon hit save and finish the thoughts that I am thinking right now. At least I’ll close the path between the fingers and the brain. At least on this page. Maybe not totally.
I have a speech to write for the meeting Sunday night. It’s about some mal- that’s been going on. Ill shit, I guess would be the replacement for mal. It’s about an gaping hole of an inconsistency. It’s something that’s been brought to my attention. Something that I must correct, for if I don’t then I will be betraying what my letters are to me. And they aren’t just letters, they are my letters. I wear them with pride, and they allow me to wear them. It’s a fickle balance you must keep with them. It’s all just kinda doing its own thing. I’m just rambling now. It’s all got to be put down. Pen to page, just like those old late nights I spent in my window room in Gravel Switch. Peering at the shade, the glow of the moonlight around it, getting some hint of what was to come from that soft shine. I wrote some of my best there. Rememberance. Ce n’est pas… All of the classics. That defined the first deezil. The real deal. Those were some of the best. They made people shed tears. They made friends and enemies. They made me. They built me. They built that first deezil. Oh what a transformation it all was. coming from this lowly shmuck of a guy named Daniel. Developing things I had lacked. Personality. Social Life. Friends. All these things that just sorta happen for everyone else. It’s something I had to work at. And it wasn’t easy. It’s why I created Deezil. To make it so that I didn’t have to put all that effort into Daniel. Deezil was sculpted, scripted. He was what I yearned to be, and once I got it right, I could claim him, put his suit on, let the power transfer, and there ya go, instant classic. And it WORKED. I liked the thing so much, I removed the disengage mechanism. It fit so well. Too well. There wasn’t a flaw. The outside was impenetrable. But I looked down. Inside me. The real guy. Daniel. The flaws were still there. The outside couldn’t see them. and they started to seep into the suit. So what do you do when your so attached to something that you can’t give it up. You build anew. You write some code in there to patch the existing vulnerabilites, and you re-release it. You make some fancy stuff go on top of it. And guess what, it fits again. It’s what Service Pack 2 did to Windows XP. And that’s where Deezil is at right now. It’s odd, yes, to know that I’ve fixed some of the vulnerabilites. I never though I would get over my social phobias. I never thought that I would have so many friends. And not just friends. FRIENDS. Brothers. Confidants. Those whom I can go to with anything. ANYTHING. I really want one of them here right now. Just to be with me and talk with me. To see if I can’t conver more than what my fingers are doing with the keyboard.
I’ll probably write lots more, probably very soon, but right now, someone is about to get their first dose of the deezil.us experience. I now turn this entry to the public for viewing. Leave comments. Let me know you care. Write more code to patch my flaws. Anything.

A coward’s prayer.

Lord, be with my mouth so it shall no falter as I speak true words. Be with my mind that it may think clearly. Be with my soul so that I may stand.
“Before I take off, I recite the Shepherd’s prayer. Alan Shephard’s Prayer: ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me fuck up.’”
DJSatan, if you have some free time in the future, give me a ring on the hello-phone. I’d just like to say hi.
I’m off.

You can’t realize how badly I want a piece of pizza right now.

Don’t you love her face…..

Yeah, that’s what it looks like for the fall. CIV101 is a retake, CHE101 is a joke (it’s one of the three classes at Murray State that you cannot fail), and the other hours will just fall in line, I guess. My biggest worry really isn’t the CSC stuff, it’s the COM161. I hate talking in front of people. Eh, I guess that’s what that class is all about.
Now to schedule in four hours.

$100 still in tact.

I’ve been tempted.
It’s like the fruit on the tree of knowledge of good and evil. It’s there, hanging there, all delectable, but you know you shouldn’t eat it because God told you not to.
I guess Craig gets to be my “god” in this temptation.
I shall not sin though, because to sin would mean that I would lose twenty-fold of what my sin would cost me to start with, $5 for that meal at the local McSpoogle’s, and the concurrent $100, all split between:
Susan J. Kormen Breast Cancer Foundation (Nori)
Childrens Cancer Association (Hodes)
Canine Companions for Independence (Me)
Ronald McDonald’s House (Craig)
It really got rough last night when Totty asked where we should go eat for our Sunday night meal. I told him about the contest, and he really had to think on somewhere to go, until the brainchild of Los was born. Ah, wonderful Los Portales. Home of the number 12 and the most ridiculous dessert ever: the Banana Burrito. It was the most decadent, crazy, wonderful meal I could buy out without violating the $100 contest contract.
Be in prayers for the families both below and above Murray that were involved in the freak tornadoes that struck the area Saturday night. None of them deserved the fate they got, but they all got it for some unknown reason.
I need ideas to give my family for my birthday (Nov. 24) or Christmas. I really don’t know what I want. I mean, there is plenty I want, I just don’t know what I would actually use. Comment with things you’d like to get for your respective holidays. Maybe I can steal an idea from you.

I’m not a businessman, I’m a business, man.

There’s lots of things running through the old noodle, let’s see that we can’t clear some things up.
“Sounds good, cause I’ve wasted alot of time.” I got that text message after quite a few one night from Alisa. It was finishing up a conversation with her over what’s been going on, how our years were going, and the usual stuff. We started talking about hanging out again. And it looked like a go. It’s just kinda (not disheartening, need a better, less melodramatic word) that we can’t get on the same schedule. The other beef: not calling back when she says. I’m just anal retentive like that I guess. If someone says they are calling back, then they call back.
I’m tired of this schooling thing. A good general malaise has fallen over me, and it is bogging me down. I’m not happy any more. It’s not the content. I still love doing the computer work. It’s just that I’m surrounding myself with it totally this semester. There’s not a class or a job that doesn’t have something to do with comptuers. It’s getting kind of old. It’s just computer overload.
There’s more. There’s always more.

The Craig Clayton $100 McDonalds Challenge

Craig started it.
I’m going to put my own money on the line for this too. You all here in Murray are going to hold me accountable for it. I’m putting $100 on the line to say that I won’t eat fast food for the month of November.
I can eat campus food (within limits, nothing that is alot like fast food places), or sit down restaurants, but no McD’s/Wendy’s/Hardee’s/Sonic and most importantly, no pizza. That’s right, taking it one step further, and not going to eat the greaseballs that propogate from Papa John’s, Matt B’s or the other assorted pizza eateries.
It’s going to be horribly difficult for me, but I think the next few weeks leading up to my birthday will be well spent improving myself.
The rules for you: The same as Craig’s entry. Comment with a charity you want your part of the money to go to. There’s a default for CCI, but any and all others are fair game.
Let’s get it done.